How I work with couples

My work with couples is practical and active.  I endeavor to create safety for couples by listening to each individual and helping them give full expression to their unique experience.  Couples therapy addresses a variety of different issues, including:

• constant conflict, i.e. having the same fight over again
• relationship dissatisfaction, i.e. feeling like you want more from your partner
• unresolved issues and/or past resentments
• infidelity
• communications problems
• intimacy issues
• disagreements related to money and finances
• transitions, i.e. preparing for marriage or family
• power struggles

Communication

Almost every couple interested in couples counseling includes "communication issues" in the description of their problem.  There are so many factors that can interfere with effective communication; it's not surprising most of us struggle with it.  One of the main goals in couples counseling is to identify the barriers around communicating and understand why the breakdowns happen.  Couples therapy provides the couple with tools for better communication, and also offers a sort of laboratory where couples get to experiment with how to talk to each other.  We slow down the conversation, try out different ways of communicating, and check out how we impact the other person. 

Conflict

It's a dirty word in most circles, particularly with couples.  We tend to either avoid conflict at all costs or constantly engage in it, despite our better judgment.  Our personal relationships to conflict are most significantly informed by our past experiences with it. When approached in a safe environment like therapy, conflict can give way to deeper intimacy and connection. In couples therapy we work to understand the root of the conflict, which we may have lost sight of somewhere along the line. We find ways to talk about the source of the problem that feel satisfying and effective, instead of reactionary and defensive.  Through this process couples often find a sense of closeness they never knew possible. 

Relationship vs. Self

Sometimes being in a relationship can trigger what feels like a battle between two equally deserving opponents --- intimacy versus independence, commitment versus freedom, love versus career.  The question of how to balance ones own needs and desires with those of their partner is a daunting one.  We can end up feeling constantly comprised, like we are giving up everything, or extremely isolated, getting what we want perhaps but without love and warmth.  Couples therapy addresses this issue within the couple's unique dynamic and strives to foster a partnership where both partners feel supported by the relationship, instead of stifled by it. We explore and clarify what each individual's needs are and strengthen their ability to ask for them.  Developing this process is crucial as the couple faces the inevitable transitions that will come their way.